Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #68
12.22.2008
12.21.2008
Boasting about Race Records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #67
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #67
12.19.2008
Wal-Mart
Dad took his little boy to Wal-Mart. Of course, as you walk in the machines with prizes in them are irresistible.
Dad gives in as he wants the boy to be occupied.
The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little clear balls w/ toys inside. The kid removes the toy, puts the little plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop.
Now they are standing in line waiting to check out.
The boy is by now bored and fussy - becoming very irritable and dad’s frustration is mounting.
Finally, dad picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on the counter. The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says "stop that!"
The son replies between screams, "But dad, you busted my little balls!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #66
Dad gives in as he wants the boy to be occupied.
The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little clear balls w/ toys inside. The kid removes the toy, puts the little plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop.
Now they are standing in line waiting to check out.
The boy is by now bored and fussy - becoming very irritable and dad’s frustration is mounting.
Finally, dad picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on the counter. The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says "stop that!"
The son replies between screams, "But dad, you busted my little balls!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #66
Accident reports
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #65
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #65
Signs and notices
- "How To Repair Your VCR." - The title of a how-to video tape.
- "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" - On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
- "Ears pierced while you wait." - A sign in a shop.
- "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" - A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
- "If you can’t read or write, phone this number."
- "Lunch and Learn Seminar: ’Who’s controlling your life?’ (get your manager’s permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
- "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of order. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center’s restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
- "Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
- "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.
- "Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.
- "A reminder to all lady Lancers that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them." -- An announcement that appeared in a Hilltop High School (Home of the Lancers) bulletin.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #64
- "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" - On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
- "Ears pierced while you wait." - A sign in a shop.
- "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" - A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
- "If you can’t read or write, phone this number."
- "Lunch and Learn Seminar: ’Who’s controlling your life?’ (get your manager’s permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
- "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of order. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center’s restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
- "Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
- "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.
- "Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.
- "A reminder to all lady Lancers that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them." -- An announcement that appeared in a Hilltop High School (Home of the Lancers) bulletin.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #64
Foggy Landing
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important Microsoft executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #63
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #63
Friday's Quote
12.19.08
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
-Woody Allen
12.12.08
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-Steven Wright
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #62
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
-Woody Allen
12.12.08
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-Steven Wright
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #62
Money for the next life
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #61
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #61
12.18.2008
WHAT DO DEER THINK?
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What
going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like
the French."
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'
going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like
the French."
The interview ended at that point.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #60
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #60
12.15.2008
Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch - it’s a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #59
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch - it’s a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #59
12.14.2008
Universal Perspective
This is fascinating - it's rather dazzling
to see it presented this way.
I CERTAINLY THOUGHT THIS WAS ENLIGHTENING.
BEYOND OUR SUN IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE.
ANTARES IS THE 15 TH BRIGHTEST STAR IN THE SKY.
IT IS MORE THAN 1000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY.
NOW, HOW BIG ARE YOU?
NOW, TRY TO WRAP YOUR MIND AROUND THIS...
THIS IS A HUBBLE TELESCOPE ULTRA DEEP FIELD
INFRARED VIEW OF COUNTLESS 'ENTIRE' GALAXIES
BILLIONS OF LIGHT-YEARS AWAY.
BELOW IS A CLOSE-UP OF ONE
OF THE DARKEST REGIONS OF THE PHOTO ABOVE.
| HUMBLING, ISN'T IT? And yet, Someone knows how many hairs are on your head, and not even a single sparrow dies apart from His will (Mt. 10:29-31)! NOW, HOW BIG ARE YOU? AND HOW BIG ARE THE THINGS THAT UPSET YOU TODAY? KEEP LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE. AND DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL! HOPE YOU CAN FIND TIME TO FORWARD THIS TO A FRIEND. |
"Happiness can never be a goal in life—it is the natural byproduct of a life full of purpose and meaning."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #58
Check out your new 2012 car!
All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with the same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.
We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 68 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $18.00 per month in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.
Even with increased performance we didn't skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you'll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of illegal speed.
But the changes don't stop there. Sporty mag-style aluminum-foil hubcaps and an all-new aggressive wedge shape designed by CM's Chief Stylist Harry Reid slices through the wind like an omnibus spending bill. It even features an airtight undercarriage to keep you and a passenger afloat up to 15 minutes when in puddles -- even in the choppy waters of a Cape Cod inlet. Available in a rainbow of bright color choices to match any wardrobe, from Mexican Avocado to French Mustard.
Inside, a luxurious Navy-boat gray, all-velour Barney Frank designed interior features thoughtful appointments like dashboard condom and babyoil dispenser. A special high capacity hatchback holds up to 300 aluminum cans, meaning fewer trips to the redemption center. And the standard 3 speaker Fairness ActoPhonic FM low-band sound system bellows the latest hits from the NPR when you insert your government-issued instant tax credit card.
Best of all, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt is made right here in the U.S.A. by fully card-checked unionized workers and Detroit 's famous visionary jet-set managers. Even if you don't own one, you can enjoy the patriotic satisfaction knowing you're supporting extravagant wages, enormous benefits, private jets, and lavish political donations that once again make the American car industry the envy (laughing-stock) of the world.
But why not buy one anyway? With an MSRP starting at only $62,999.99, it's affordable too. Don't forget to ask about dealer incentives, rebates, tax credits, and wealth redistribution plans for customers from dozens of qualifying special interest groups. Plus easy-pay financing programs from Fanny Mae.
So take the bus to your local CM dealer today and find out why the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the only car endorsed by President Barack Obama. One test drive will convince you that you'd choose it over the import brands. Even if they were still legal.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #57
In Flight Annoucements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #56
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #56
Two Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #55
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #55
Psychiatric Tests
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #54
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #54
12.12.2008
A Gravy Ladle
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #53
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #53
The Dating Dictionary
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #52
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #52
Sex Tips for Men
70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor’s degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don’t.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie, 1/4 Latino, 1/4 Black, 1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn’t be too hard to get.
Happy hunting.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #51
Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don’t.
Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor’s degree.
Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don’t.
Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.
White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie, 1/4 Latino, 1/4 Black, 1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lives with her single mom, shouldn’t be too hard to get.
Happy hunting.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #51
A Fun Test
This is a fun 'test'...so, give it a try, just follow the instructions. It's easy...just calculate in your mind the answer to each problem, then, quickly move to the next one. DON'T take time to write the answers down...just do them in your head.
OK...ready?
Here we go....
How much is...
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 26
25 + 52
63 + 32
come on now, only one more!
123 + 5
You are finished!....
NOW, QUICKLY THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL AND HOLD THAT THOUGHT IN YOUR MEMORY!
Now, quickly scroll down to the bottom of this page!
Did you happen to think about a RED HAMMER?
If this is not your answer then you are among the 2% of people who have a different mind.
98% of the people who took this test answered RED HAMMER!
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #50
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #50
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband,who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #49
The English Language
You Think English is Easy???
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so......... Time to shut UP !
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #48
BRR, Now THAT'S COLD
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and a guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation...
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with
a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed
inlaughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.
Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first
date
was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment.. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed
off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show!!
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #47
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and a guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation...
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with
a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed
inlaughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.
Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first
date
was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment.. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed
off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show!!
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #47
The Parrot
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #46
The Redneck Christmas Tree
You have to admit, it looks pretty darn good when it's all up and decorated!!
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #45
Mexican Eggs
Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #44
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.
'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #44
Hooked on Phonics
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'
I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' elephant!It says so on the picture!'
And so it does...
' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #43
From Republicans to Democrats
No Hard Feelings .
The election is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost,
Your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #42
The election is over,
The talking is done.
My party lost,
Your party won.
So let us be friends,
Let arguments pass.
I'll hug my elephant,
You kiss your ass.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #42
Perils of the Catholic Church
As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'
So I did.......
I won't be at Mass this week.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post #41
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