Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom . But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
she is going to get ugly!!!
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#111
2.04.2009
Life Explained
On first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun! , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I' ll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#110
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun! , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I' ll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#110
2.01.2009
The Broken Lawn Mower
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass", I said, "you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#109
other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass", I said, "you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#109
1.28.2009
The Modern Version
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You have got a Male."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#108
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You have got a Male."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#108
Is that you ...
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw’em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#107
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw’em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#107
Quotes
Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
-Homer Simpson
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-Johnny Carson
In the long run we are all dead.
-John Maynard Keynes
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-Steven Wright
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
-Woody Allen
1.27.2009
The Advantage of Walking
Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#105
1.25.2009
I Tried That
One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
- "What the hell’s the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.
- "My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.
- "Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"
- "I’m sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#104
- "What the hell’s the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.
- "My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.
- "Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"
- "I’m sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#104
1.23.2009
If men ruled the World...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she´d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you´ll get ´em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I´m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you´d jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you´d get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You´re #1!"
Valentine´s Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you´d get
the day off to go drinking. Mother´s Day, too. St. Patrick´s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full
tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That´s $10 off."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#103
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she´d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you´ll get ´em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I´m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you´d jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you´d get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You´re #1!"
Valentine´s Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you´d get
the day off to go drinking. Mother´s Day, too. St. Patrick´s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full
tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That´s $10 off."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#103
Priceless!
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before
getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined
to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted
to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him
and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed,
'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#102
The Good Grandpa
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.'
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying,'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny.'
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#101
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying,'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny.'
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#101
Wise Words of Second Graders
To give you some background...It has been quite a week for the second graders in my class. We have spent the week talking all about Martin Luther King Jr (try breaking the concept of racism to 7 year olds who think the world is perfect- very depressing actually) and then were inspired by watching (a whole 10 minutes) of the President Obama's inauguration. As a culmination, I had them write their own "I have a dream" speech. You know what's coming... here are my top 10 favorites. Probably not nearly as good as the last round I sent you on election day, but I know you will all appreciate this based upon the overwhelming positve response I got last time. Enjoy!
1. I have a dream that people will not be poor. It's not fair to people that are poor because they don't get anything but like stuff from the trash basket. Now that's just sad because they are freezing and cold and they have to see people who are warm... and they are freezing so they feel bad! So... please, give something to a poor person."
2. "I have a dream that people will never die. They will get kinda old, you know, like 20, and then stay that way forever."
3. " I would want no one to smoke, because it doesn't just hurt you, it hurts people close to you who you love. Or even your baby sister."
4. "I have a dream that one day scientists would invent cars that don't pollute the air so Americans won't get asthma."
5. "I have a dream that all principals would give teachers more money". (yes- A+)
6. "My dream would be that people never sad bad words. Bad words are very bad".
7. "Every person will have electric cars and no one would litter. Because littering is very bad for the solar system."
8. "I have a dream that one day I can make a lot of friends."
9. "I have a dream that one day nobody will pollute the earth cause if you do pollute you won't be healthy and if you are not healthy you will get a cold."
10. "I have a dream that people will only use their words, not violense. Well except if you can't talk... so I guess that would mean sign language is ok too."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#100
1. I have a dream that people will not be poor. It's not fair to people that are poor because they don't get anything but like stuff from the trash basket. Now that's just sad because they are freezing and cold and they have to see people who are warm... and they are freezing so they feel bad! So... please, give something to a poor person."
2. "I have a dream that people will never die. They will get kinda old, you know, like 20, and then stay that way forever."
3. " I would want no one to smoke, because it doesn't just hurt you, it hurts people close to you who you love. Or even your baby sister."
4. "I have a dream that one day scientists would invent cars that don't pollute the air so Americans won't get asthma."
5. "I have a dream that all principals would give teachers more money". (yes- A+)
6. "My dream would be that people never sad bad words. Bad words are very bad".
7. "Every person will have electric cars and no one would litter. Because littering is very bad for the solar system."
8. "I have a dream that one day I can make a lot of friends."
9. "I have a dream that one day nobody will pollute the earth cause if you do pollute you won't be healthy and if you are not healthy you will get a cold."
10. "I have a dream that people will only use their words, not violense. Well except if you can't talk... so I guess that would mean sign language is ok too."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#100
1.20.2009
Q & A might offend
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#98
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#98
1.16.2009
Quotes
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-Johnny Carson
In the long run we are all dead.
-John Maynard Keynes
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-Steven Wright
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
-Woody Allen
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#97
-Johnny Carson
In the long run we are all dead.
-John Maynard Keynes
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
-Steven Wright
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.
-Woody Allen
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#97
Drafting Guys Over 60
written by a Former Soldier----
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#96
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#96
1.14.2009
Are you Kathlick?
Three little boys were concerned because they
couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized because
no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'
'Sure,' said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and
dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then He said, 'You are now baptized!'
Then they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do
you think we are?' The oldest one said, 'We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you.' 'We're not Babtis,
because they dunk all of you in the water.' 'We're not Lutrans,
because they just sprinkle water on you.'
The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#95
The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope Mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save
the Whales' hat and a
'To Hell with Bush T-shirt,' was screaming while
struggling frantically and
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of
a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from
the bear's grasp. Then
using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear
and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the
injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come
over. 'I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.
'I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists
but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not
true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies
'Who was that guy?
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's
in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access
to all wisdom but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we
need to go back to Seattle and get another one?
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#94
mountains of Alaska
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope Mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save
the Whales' hat and a
'To Hell with Bush T-shirt,' was screaming while
struggling frantically and
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of
a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from
the bear's grasp. Then
using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear
and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the
injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come
over. 'I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.
'I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists
but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not
true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies
'Who was that guy?
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's
in direct contact with heaven and
has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access
to all wisdom but he doesn't
know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we
need to go back to Seattle and get another one?
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#94
Flat Tire
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like from a distance you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down staring at my lifelike men And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not happy!
"What's going on here?" he demanded.
"My car has a flat tire", I replied calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.
"Hellooooo, those obviously are my emergency flashers!"
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#93
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#93
1.12.2009
New Office
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#92
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#92
A Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It’s a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#91
"It’s a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#91
Where a Driver is From
One hand on wheel,
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator, and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window:
TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna:
WYOMING.
Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#90
one hand on horn:
CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window:
NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel,
middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on newspaper,
foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,
brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel,
eyes shut,
both feet on brake,
quivering in terror:
From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air,
gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to
someone in back seat:
ITALY.
One hand on wheel,
one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the
accelerator, and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window:
TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck,
shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor,
Prairie Dog tails attached to antenna:
WYOMING.
Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#90
Truck Accident
Read The Caption on the first photo …then look at the second photo
Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver
broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where the people are standing on the road, pointing.
The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left
when it crashed through the guardrail.
It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.
The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger
were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.
Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.
Now look at the second picture below...
If this guy didn't believe in God before,
do you suppose he believes now?
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#89
Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver
broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where the people are standing on the road, pointing.
The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left
when it crashed through the guardrail.
It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.
The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger
were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.
Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.
Now look at the second picture below...
If this guy didn't believe in God before,
do you suppose he believes now?
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#89
1.08.2009
Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#88
Who's your role Model?
Try it without looking at the answers first
1) Pick your Favorite number between 1-9
2) 2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the calculator)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.
5) Add the digits together
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Elizabeth Taylor
4. George W. Bush
5. Bill Gates
6. Oprah Winfrey
7. Brad Pitt
8. Madonna
9. The One Who Writes this Blog
10. Donald Trump
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#87
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway...
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up, fortunately, came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me.. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway...
Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up, fortunately, came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me.. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#86
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#86
1.07.2009
Choosing a Profession
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whisky
4. A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher muttered to himself disgustedly.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#85
1.06.2009
Back in 1850
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today; except back then, women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today; except back then, women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#84
The 36 Rules of Life
Some funny, some not, but all good.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
Chainmail, Jokes, and Funny Stories! post#82
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